Moved To Thought

LIVING OUT FRONT…another dating/relationship related post…a basic one- about realization and and truth...slightly general also very specific...


Ahhh, Ms Cyndi. Author of The Gatekeeper, the first and best Shitty Fab follower, MinDog's mother and a constant voice of reason and truth.


Her comment on my latest post (Abort, Stop, Run, Save Myself…Now) moved me to thought. She made me feel responsible for what I attract. She made me think that perhaps I am attracting exactly what I want but I am allowing my superficial ideas to hinder the birth of my next meaningful relationship. This isn't a new revelation but I think Ms. Cyndi's words finally made me get it. Thanks Ms. Cyndi, seriously, thank you.


This is what Ms. C. wrote:


"I met a man back in 1992 who wore an old 80s short black tux-collared jacket, some strange black and mustard mixed color wide-legged pants, no socks and shoes that were so run over that the back of the shoe covered what was left of the heel.

Mr. Ray and I have been together ever since then. Almost every morning he calls me "beautiful" and makes sure that he kisses me before I step out of the front door. I couldn't love him more, but I know I do every day.

Interesting isn't it, when we do not allow the superficial to get in the way?"
…
My answer to Ms. Cyndi's final question: Yes, I AM allowing the superficial to get in the way. Yes, it would be interesting not to let it. HELP!!!


Perhaps if I looked past the the suit Royal As Blue was wearing(not sure I have the power to look past that yet) I may have seen someone perfectly worthy of my time…maybe Royal was too far gone but the point has finally hit home. Maybe I shouldn't/ won't consider the next royal blue long jacket suit a tragedy on sight.  


Maybe I will investigate next time…stay open. Maybe.


MinDog, The Sister, T, Jess and my favorite O have been right all along. There I've said it. My list IS insane.
When I look at it I notice the points of insanity, I do, but those are things I want and those were the things that really bothered me in past and potential past relationships…don't I get to say I don't want those things and I do want these things? Ugh!!!???


So much to think about.


My question- how do I develop the power/skill to look past all the crazy things that I have always paid so much attention? Ms. Cyndi? Anyone have any suggestions? As you suggest please keep this fact in mind- I suffer from a disease called: I WANT WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT…I am currently taking in daily doses of reality to cure myself.


So much to think about AND get over.


WHERE AM I NOW(RELATIONSHIP RELATED)?


I've toyed with the idea of team building, getting my numbers up, finding someone that meets every point on my 'must have' list, and senseless dating. I've even pretended companionship is not that important. Some days it's not. Some days it is…on the 'it is' days I recognize that serious companionship IS necessary and it is the thing that is missing from my life at the moment. That's where I am. I can say it. I said it. It's real and it's the truth.


For two seconds I considered revisiting a previous relationship…then I came to my senses. Neither of us really wants the other so that is a NO. I mean maybe we could stomach each other for a minute but I want my ex to be with somebody who wants all of him and I want to be with someone who wants all of me. Returning doesn't work. It makes me feel as if I'm not moving forward…


Thank goodness for forward moving energy and thought. It has saved me from myself on numerous occasions. I don't go back. EVER(not even when a large hand on the small of my back would feel 'oh so nice'- did I say too much...). I am moving forward. That's where I am. Not shying away from admitting what I want…EEEK…so much truth...most of the time I can admit it. Sometimes I hope that just having the thought is as powerful as being able to say it aloud.


MORE


I've read articles, blogs, books about relationships(all given to me by MinDog, I'm telling you that woman is determined to marry me off and she is adamant that once it happens I stay that way…so every time she reads a book about relationships she gives it to me to read too- so I'll be ready, she says- I'm wondering when she will realize I'm not getting married). But she is right about one thing- I'll be ready(for my next meaningful relationship that is- not marriage). Good thing I like research and preparation(maybe that's why I'm an actor). Some of those books are good. Some funny and some make me ask WHAT THE WHAT???


WHAT I HAVE TO DO


1. The first thing I have to do is pare down my 'must have' list. I'll get back to you and maybe I'll post it when it's done. That may be too much living out front so I'm not sure if I will actually post it and it may take a while. I've been so attached to some of those things for so long that I may have an allergic reaction to a list without the insanity.


2. Be honest about what I want. That means this: MinDog I don't think I will be able to continue the team building exercise because it's not what I want. I find it to be a waste of my time(technically I have a fake team already and I hate all of them). I know women everywhere are flabbergasted but it's not what I want. This does not mean I won't continue to date. It just means if I don't have enough interest in you I will not keep you around because you can provide one random service for me or my friends. I can't do it. It's a waste of my time and energy. I don't find it fun like some women I know, I used to find it fun but not anymore, I think it's potential drama. Past that phase. No drama, PLEASE. Besides I am looking for MORE. I don't think I need to select my MORE from a team. I think I can select MORE as he stands alone. No MVP or team captain just...MORE.


ONE THING I WANT FOR SURE (RELATIONSHIP RELATED)


The whole of me or nothing. The whole of him or nothing…that's what I want. I need for whoever I end up in a relationship with to understand that the desire has to be there. The desire to deal with all of each other whether we like particular things or not…as always this brings me back to the 'must have' list…


…


Paring the list down begins now…


This is a random side note...I love that all of my friends are in different places with relationships and dating...it's fun and funny because our stories are all over the place. We range from married to wild and free/just wanting to have fun and everything in between. AMAZING! If you could be a fly on the wall at our gatherings...