Fear

Folks who know me know that I live life with a sense of fear and anxiety about random things that I constantly have to face and muster up the bravery to overcome so that I can live a great shitty fabulous life...

DOGS
CATS
FISH
ANIMALS of all kinds (even cute ones and even small ones)
DRIVING IN THE RAIN
FAILURE and SUCCESS
BEING UTTERLY ALONE
HAVING BABIES
HAVING A DISEASE
THE UNKNOWN
PAIN
NEEDLES
THE DARK...

The list goes on and on and I have spent my entire life doing things in spite of my fears. Yay pat me on the back!!! BUT...

One such fear that seems to get in the way of me being bi-coastal is that I AM AFRAID TO FLY!!!!!

I have been on tour for 2 years! On and off of planes! BUT I HATE FLYING!

HOW will I ever travel the world! (Because that is something I want to do!)

I have to go shoot this Outlaw scene in LA, but I am scared to go back! And I am on a flight at 9am...so I won't be able to induce sleep! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!??

I guess I will do as always...

Say a prayer, and hop on the plane. Not complain about the flight time, and thank God for all the things that happen in my life.

LIVE LIFE! MinDOG OWT!

Friendship, Fear and The Front

Messages and phone calls.

Sometimes they change my life.

Call #1- Last night my friend called. She happens to be one of the people in my life who I ran away from, for an extended minute, because she got me. She really got me. She sort of understood who I was/am immediately and my desire to hide and be undercover was lost on her. It just didn't work. I love her.

Well sometimes she worries about alligators and I get that. She was on the move about to make a big change and she just needed to know something that she already knew. She needed to know she was loved and supported and was human and an adult and that she was doing the right thing. I just said yes to all of it. That was the answer. Yes. Yes, you are loved and supported and human with flaws and those flaws don't matter when you do the right thing.

We laughed, a bit. Only a bit because change is happening and there is pain. Lots of pain.

In the conversation we talked about this blog. I needed to know if I was crazy for putting myself out here like this. She said, "yes." She also said it makes so much sense and that I should go forward with it. In our way- the laugh at yourself way she said, "You don't need a journal. Journals are stupid. Blogging makes so much more sense."

We laughed as she pressed for on the phone/friend worthy details about The Impostor. We laughed a bit more as some of the story began to unfold and she made me feel like the smartest woman on earth…erasing my insecurity about my current level of sanity by saying, "It all makes sense." Like I said, I love her.

We laughed some more and then in all seriousness, she was off to make one of the biggest life changes she has had to make in awhile. I must call her later and make sure she's not on a roof somewhere in Brooklyn.

The Message- Even with all the support I was given in that phone call I still found myself second guessing my new desire to live out front(okay, it's not that out front, we only have 4 followers, but still a change for me). I walked to The Sister's house and then home. When I got home I found this message, from yet another friend in my inbox.

"hey just wanted you to know how much me and ****** enjoyed you and mindog's blogs. this is an incredible project and i think it's cool that you're being so bold. you talked about courage in your blog about rhinestone, but it takes a lot of courage to tell your imposter story so... that's cool. you're cool. love you big sis. hope to see you sooner than later.
xoxo. ******** ******"

It was all I needed. All I needed to move forward with my living out front.

MinDog will tell you I am good for deleting a thing and pretending it never happened. I was almost there. Almost ready to hit delete…thanks to my peeps my delete button is not working. If I have my way I won't get it fixed either…work in progress…

On a completely different note- Call #2- I was walking home and you guessed it, MinDog called. She was so excited. Why? Because she just picked up her new rental and she felt so cute in the car. I was excited with her of course. We all know what feeling cute is…anyway, when I got off the phone with her I felt sick to my stomach. Why? Because many moons ago MinDog and I decided that we would commit to setting out on an adventure that everybody seems to complete at some point in their life- DRIVE cross country.

…and this made me sick to my stomach because I have a fear of driving(it's second only to my fear of rodents). I have driven(this is where the fear comes from) and the longer I wait to really
learn the bigger the fear becomes…it's a control thing…how do people do it? It never crosses your mind that the person driving next to you might be crazy and not know what the hell they are doing?

In that moment I thought, will I ever know what it's like to feel cute driving a cute car? Then I wondered if I really wanted to experience that considering the panic attack I had at the 116th and 8th Ave. intersection during my last driving lesson...then I thought about Ms. G. and how she said to me, on more than four occasions, "look, you need to learn how to drive, even if you never drive, it's your independence." That's when I really became sick…is it true?...no license means no independence and that means I'm not as independent as I like to think I am…I would totally be stranded in the desert if my driver had a heart attack(I'm sure I'd figure something out- but still)…ugh…the thought is making me sick now…

Living out front- CHECK
Overcoming my fear of driving- NO CHECK…yet...or ever...okay, yet...or ever...yet...um help, please?