Get Your Numbers Up

*This post may get me in trouble with a few of the men in my life(not really)…don't be offended…it is what it is and it's all in fun, I'm just typing a part of the reality. Just remember I DO NOT have a team…and most women will not admit to having one either…they will play dumb. If you ask them about it, unless they are a good friend of yours, they will play dumb…this is a general truth among the women I know and not a universal one…


I have been reprimanded. Once again MinDog has reprimanded me. She is so good at that. She really is. The woman has a knack for simultaneously making me recognize the error of my ways and pumping me up to do the impossible or the thing I don't want to do. I don't know about this one though. I'm not too pumped up to complete this task. Today she said, "Your problem is in your numbers. Get your numbers up son. You need to rebuild your team. Because what you are working with now…it's flawed. Your team is flawed. Call T, get your dresses on, and get to team building. Your current situation is a no go. I repeat your team is FLAWED."


My team? I don't have one at the moment and I don't want one and I guess this is what angers MinDog. Ultimately my desire to be team-less is altering the plan she has for my life. You know- I get married, my husband and I hang out with her and her old buzzard, we both have kids, our kids play together and so on…If I had a team the plan might seem more tangible. Without a team I guess she doesn't see how her plan for my life will be realized...it's a must that I build one. It's a must that my approved team be formed.
I should define team before I go any further.


TEAM: the party of men you are currently dating. Each man has a specific job, just like a player on a real sports team would. It's a team so if a player isn't doing his job well(scoring, defending or whatever- depending on the position he was recruited to fill) he can be replaced at any time without notice. Generally, said players do not know they are part of a team...it's rare but sometimes they do know...they may not even know what position they play…this can lead to difficulty because a player can break a contractual obligation and not even know it…this will inevitably lead to his dismissal…sometimes you(men) are left wondering why…why isn't she responding to you anymore…that's why…you broke a contractual obligation you weren't aware of…


If you need me to elaborate or give specific examples comment and I'll get back to you…for now that should be enough information to get you through this post.


Back to Min-
I get at least one call, email or text a week from Min(said like mean not min as in pin but Min as is mean) that says something along these lines, "I just met your husband" or "I just met a fully qualified potential team member" or "You should definitely date this guy." Since Min doesn't understand my desire to float freely in the world with Sammy(my future dog child) she wants to marry me off ASAP. WHAT THE WHAT????
Min has even taken to emailing me pictures of men that she wholeheartedly feels would be a perfect match for me or at least suitable to occupy a spot on my team. It's pretty funny. The last set of pictures came with this message: "You may not like his tie but he is a really nice guy. He's in a suit. I know you like that. Should I start the ground work…?" I also get a weekly suggestion of what I need to cross off of my 'must have' list immediately. Min thinks my list is hindering the team building.


Back to today's reprimand-
It all started because we were having a conversation about pursuing or being pursued. Min didn't like the fact that I was on track do something I have never done(what you do in high school or the first year of undergrad does not count). I was telling her that I was okay with the course of action I was about to take. I was going to continue with my "living out front" journey and pursue this man because I am interested. "Why would you do that? NO, NO, NO!" I replied with, "It's a change of pace. Why not? Why can't I just reach out?"


Min: This is what happens when your numbers are low. That's why I want you to get your numbers up!


Metch: Okay. But I'm interested, so why not?


Min: Because you don't want that. You want a man who is going to pursue you. You know you do. I know you do. If you pursue now, do you know what this is going to lead to?


Metch: What Min?


Min: You responsible for everything. The planning of everything. ALL THE TIME. NO, NO, NO! You do not want this, not like this. You are setting up a disaster if you take this route.


Metch: I don't think it's that serious.


Min: Yeah it is.


Metch: No it's not.


Min: Yeah it is because you are interested…you know what? This is the problem right here… Your problem is in your numbers. Get your numbers up son. You need to rebuild your team. Because what you are working with now…it's flawed. Your team is flawed. Call T, get your dresses on, and get to team building. Your current situation is a no go. I repeat your team is FLAWED.


Metch: Min.


Min: That's the truth. You can't see clearly because you don't have the correct amount or proper types of options. You can't see clearly so this one guy, and let me say- I don't think he's for you anyway, makes you think you want to do something dumb like pursue him. Get your numbers up because I can't take you calling me talking about you are about to be in pursuit of a man. You are KILLING ME. Please stop with that. It's foolish. You really need to learn how to date. You want a change of pace? It's all based in numbers…if you don't work the numbers you are not working it...it's time for you to get into the numbers...increase…get the numbers up NOW!


Metch: Um, uh, did you just get on me? Did you just rail? Did you just basically tell me my dating game is weak?


SILENCE


MORE SILENCE


CRICKETS


MORE CRICKETS


Metch: Okay, so um, so yeah. You said my dating game is weak.


Min: Uh, yeah! You are dating too few. How many ways do I need to say get your numbers up?


Metch: Um, okay, um…well…well, okay, okay. Okay. I will say that it's clear I wasn't ready to live out front with this one because I called you before taking action. That means I probably sensed the wrongness in what I was about to do. That means you are right. Kind of right. I will not pursue.


Min: Thank goodness.


Metch: Dating is dumb.


SILENCE


Metch: So I need to get my numbers up, huh? Teams are dumb.


Min: (she sighs…loudly)


Metch: Come on teams ARE dumb.


Min: Call it what you want to call it but know that what you are working with right now is flawed and too few.


Metch: I don't want a team. I mean I hear you and I know-


Min: Listen, get your numbers up, that's all I'm saying and I'm going to brush my teeth.


Metch: Okay, I'll think about getting my numbers up…how many players do I need again?


Min: Bye Son. Bye. I might call you back.


I can't be mad. I can laugh though. It's pretty funny. Min is planning my life right now. Whenever she isn't pleased with what I want to do she plans my life and then tells me what actions I need to take. It's true love. She's brushing her teeth right now planning my life. I'm sitting here typing this and I'm actually considering today's very specific suggestion. "Get your numbers up."


With a little reshaping and retooling and rethinking I definitely have what's needed to form a pretty powerful team and then if I add some new men…but that's not what I want. Teams require energy and it's a form of game playing and I'm not interested and I'm not willing to…okay, I'll think about it. I will.


In the mean time I'll plan the lives of MinDog's children who will be here within two years…they are going to make me rich.


My life she plans, her kids' lives I plan…I guess we're even.


Get my numbers up...hmm…I'm thinking about it…


TO BE CONTINUED FOR SURE.