Itchy Itchy Itchy

The post below, "Itchy Itchy Itchy," was actually written on January 11, 2011.  Sometimes I think before I post.  Sometimes I don't.
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After itching and scratching for over three weeks I finally made it to the doctor.

After waking up to: a swollen face one day, a portion of my lip being swollen on another and swollen fingertips on yet another I finally made it to the doctor.

After diagnosing myself with tools provided by google and webMD I finally made it to the doctor.

When I saw that two of my knuckles were twice their normal size I thought maybe I should go to the doctor.

 After I called MinDog for the millionth time each day of the three weeks telling her my time on earth was about to come to an end because I had every disease ever explored in every Lifetime movie I made it to the doctor.

After realizing that the constant itching and scratching and random swelling wasn't connected to an allergy I know I have, I finally made it to the doctor.

After looking in the mirror one too may times and thinking my normally brown skin looked gray I made it to the doctor.

After my tongue kept itching and I couldn't adequately scratch it I finally made it to the doctor.

After noticing I was bruising myself with all the scratching and becoming worried about scarring my skin that I love so much I finally made it to the doctor.

When one of my friends heard about all my symptoms and said, " next you're going to grow a tail," I thought it's time to make my way to the doctor.

After not making it to the gym for three weeks because I was physically weak and vomiting and itching and therefore scratching I finally made to the doctor.

After convincing myself that the doctor was going to tell me my self- diagnosis of having every disease known to man (except HIV- I knew I didn't have that because I had a test recently- like everyone should) I finally made it to the doctor.

Before I continue let me tell you- I hate hospitals.  They literally make me sick.  After the third night of itching I did consider going to the emergency room.  I decided against it because I knew that would create more anxiety and I would probably hyperventilate and die even sooner.  I had to wait until the private doctor could see me and that was that.

After scaring myself half to death I called my mom(I had be calling her throughout of course and she kept telling me I needed to go to the doctor) and my dad(it's rare that we converse but he is still my dad and he thinks he's a doctor and somehow that's comforting but this time he didn't try to diagnose my symptoms he told me  I needed to go to the doctor) .  I finally made it to the doctor.

Now this is where it gets funny...as old as I am I was so scared that I actually took my mother and father(mind you they have been divorced for about 9000 years and haven't spoken in about 10000 years, so the two of them going anywhere together is absurd- but for the love of their child they did it...yes, I even had both of them in the exam room with me- I was scared for my life people... side note- THIS SITUATION IS A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF WHY I ONLY WANT A DOG CHILD.  I don't think I have it in me to do what my parents did that day- uh, I think I may be selfish... whatever I am, I recognize that being a parent is life long and I don't have that kind of commitment in me.  Notice I don't even own my dog child yet.  A dog child requires a commitment but not one akin to what a human child demands... there will be no sucking up of any feelings and quieting my soul because of my dog child- only human children make those two things a part of life... and you can totally have a dog child alone and not fight discouragement, the way my mother so admirably did,  when her husband at the time decided that only she should be responsible for the three kids they created together---uh oh I'm supposed to be talking about the itch and I've gone off on a tangent that I considered editing immediately but then decided this is today's truth so I'm leaving it in... the more run-on sentences the better...).

Needless to say the car ride was comedy.  I can't go into details(this is already too personal I think) but all I was thinking the entire time was- WHY DIDN'T I MAKE MINDOG COME TOO?!?!  If I had done that someone else would have been there to witness the absurdity.  Relaying the story in its entirety just doesn't do the day justice.  I will say it was the best theatrical experience I ever had and never want to repeat- mind you about 80% of it happened in silence and the 20% that wasn't silent was me talking.

After all this- what happens?  With my parents in the room, the doctor takes blood, thoroughly examines me, asks me a gazillion questions, allows me to tell him all the diseases I think I have which causes me to land at the verge of tears over my death that is about to come too soon  and then he gives me three prescriptions and tells me I could have a particular disorder but he won't know until my tests come back but the higher probability is that I'M ALLERGIC TO LIFE.

I'm writing about this because the tests are back and  it seems the allergy to life was the correct diagnosis.  I still don't buy it but all tests to date say that's what it is...I've acquired an allergy to life. The soles of my feet are itching, my entire body is itching and I can't stop scratching because I've acquired an allergy to life... Does that sound normal to anyone?

WHAT THE WHAT?

Why are some Malcom X but I'm a walking Lifetime movie?  Anybody want to write the script?

Open Wounds

Mom(1963) - My favorite picture.

I was on the phone with my mom.  I had some open wounds.  I wanted her to fix them.  Heal them.  Something. She filled them with stories.

My mom is a great story teller.  The detail, the build...everything about her story telling is awesome and dynamic.  I on the other hand can't tell a story to save my life.  I have the detail down, I can even give a build but my stories are always, always anti-climatic... Why didn't mother pass down the trait that would allow me to deliver a great climax?  Sucks that I can't be like her in every way.  I think I may have her height and maybe her thighs and part of my right eye looks like part of her left eye...

Anyway,  Mother told me two stories this weekend.  Two I've never heard.

Story #1- The Short Version:
I found out that my mom was afraid to tell my grandmother that she had named me after her.  Krahn people(some) believe in reincarnation.  Because of that belief you aren't supposed to name a child after a relative if they are still alive.  For at least a month my mom only called me by my Igbo name.  She didn't want to upset my grandmother.  When she finally told my grandmother, grandma said, "Well isn't that what westernized people do, name their kids after the people they love?  It doesn't bother me.  I know you did it because you love me."

My mom told me she did it because of that but really because of the meaning.  My middle name means- finished and complete.  After I was born my mom said she knew she was done having kids.  I was it.  Her giving me my grandmother's name was her declaration.  NO MORE BABIES.

Funny thing is I always knew the last part but I never knew the first part.  I asked my mom about that years ago.  I asked why I was able to have my grandmother's name when she was still alive and kicking.  My mother's answer then, "I asked permission."

She did ask permission- only after the fact.

Story #2- The Really Short Version:
When the president of Liberia came to visit her area she was selected to present him with the gift from her county. My mom was the only one who delivered a portion of her words in her native tongue and not English.  The crowd went wild.  ENDOFSTORY.

I'm going to record my mom telling some of her stories.  I never want to be without them or her beautiful voice. The full version of that second story is a rich one.

My wounds were nonexistent after speaking with my mom and my mind has been occupied with questions since the conversation ended.  Why don't I really speak Krahn or Igbo?  When will I seriously learn one or both languages?  So much of culture is in language... I'm thankful for my names...they are a start...there is so much of me that I don't know...I'm my parents, I'm not my parents, I'm African, I'm American, I'm African American, I'm...

Anyway- pulling out the digital recorder.  Getting mom's stories locked down.  Those stories fill wounds and everybody (maybe not everybody) might benefit from hearing them...

MiniManifesto

I will stand up for what I believe, I will speak up, remain positive even when I don't feel like I can, be kind to everyone I come in contact with and myself, respect commitment, respect opinions of others, come to the table with an offering, do everything with honest intentions, change when I should, apologize when anyone shows or tells me that I am in the wrong, respect the gifts I have been given, love, love again, cherish each relationship, acknowledge that everyone is a teacher and thank them for what they teach me, make room for people to change and grow, stay open, commit to living out front for the rest of my life, constantly examine my role as an artistic being, remember to say thank you, raise the bar(whatever that means at the moment), not be afraid to do anything I have listed here all while understanding that I will never know what tomorrow will bring.




Committed to being a better person, learning and serving.

I Can't Even

Metch loves a list... And in light of an email I just had to write to someone... here is my list of things that make me say... "I can't even..."

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

1. Not accepting consequences... CAN'T DEAL

2. Pretending that you are close to someone...CAN'T

3. Trying to hold people to inane "obligations"... I JUST CAN'T

4. The school system in this country...SHIT, WHO CAN?

5. Sun dresses and sandals in March...

6. Uggs in 70 degree weather...

7. When no research is put into forming an opinion...

8. Complaining about things that you choose to surround yourself with...

9. Passive aggressiveness...

10. Selfish and opportunistic folks... I CAN'T EVEN

MinDOG OWT!

Internet Adventures/Call Me A Punk

This all started on a Sunday when MinDog and I decided to take a day off from life and do nothing productive. I did go to the supermarket that Sunday and I did cook something to eat but those were, by choice, the only productive things I did that day. I also talked to MinDog on the phone for maybe 12 hours plus.

Listen- don't judge us. Sometimes life is hard and we need a day of not thinking and laughs only while we intermittently discuss a few serious topics and get advice from each other or reprimand each other. That's how it goes. That's how it went.

And so...

Because we love a laugh- I decided to try online dating again.

Clearly I'm the only one in the world who thinks it's absurd to meet people this way. That's why every other time I've tried to do it I've failed dramatically and deleted my profile after no more than two minutes. Once on a dare I left a profile up for a week. Every second of that week was torture when I thought about my visible profile. I love a dare and I love a penny bet so I couldn't resist even though it was painful.

WHY I'VE FAILED

Like I said I think it's an absurd way to meet people, something about it is embarrassing, I know what people are generally looking for online(sex) or the whole thing seems desperate to me (MinDog and I have fought over that idea many times- she doesn't see it that way, also she admittedly likes living vicariously through me and loves when I have a bad, unheard of or crazy date because of the hearty laughs she gets to enjoy).

I don't like that people write some stupid things and post pictures that look nothing like them and tend to ignore everything you say in your profile. Last but not least- while I love a fit body there is something upsetting about men posing in the mirror and snapping pics of their naked torsos and sometimes more. NO, I am not on a site that encourages that kind of behavior but this is the internet so loose people slip through the cracks.

WHY TRY IT AGAIN

If nothing else I have collected/will collect lots of trash for our shitty fab blog. I was on the phone with Min and a portion of the conversation went like this:

Metch:
B**** says I should try this site she's on for online dating but of course I said no. Don't think its for me. You know?

MinDog:
I think you should try it.

Metch:
You remember what happened last time... (we laugh for a long time here- last time involved me literally running away from a date...I RAN...RAN in heels- my life is a bona fide comedy).

MinDog:
But you can meet duds in person too. And you do all the time. What's wrong with meeting a dud from a dating site?

Metch:
When you put it that way nothing I suppose but I can't stop associating the act of it with losers and I don't think it's healthy to think of yourself as a loser.

MinDog:
Don't think of it that way. B**** is not a loser. Just do it to have fun. You could meet a nice regular dude who is sane and what's the worst thing that could happen? You meet a new friend.

Metch:
True and that also sounds stupid but you know what- I think I'm up for an adventure today.

MinDog:
If I wasn't married I would be on every site there is.

Metch:
I know. I think that's why God married you off at a young age (we laugh again).

MinDog:
What's the site?

I tell her the name of the suggested site. We browse it at the same time and decide that I should set up a profile. I do just that. Within minutes I have messages. Literally minutes. It was kind of crazy. Now the first message was normal and tame and made sense. Every message after that was illiterate insanity and was proof that I was right about the whole thing... but that didn't stop me from promising MinDog that I would leave the profile up for a good two weeks.

It will be torture but if men continue to provide the kind of laughs they provided today- it will all be worth it. And guess what? I am going to share some of the messages right here on this shitty fab blog. But as a regular reader you knew that already, didn't you? I'd post their pictures too but that would be crossing the line.

ILLITERATE/DUMB MESSAGES 1, 2, 3 AND 4

1. Hey! I know I'm jumping the gun and ask.....
Can we just have a nice comfortable
conversation via text, email or telephone???
LOL Sorry it's just that we are just going to
have such a quick once a week conversation
on this site. And Im not going to get to
know you that way. So if your cool? Im cool!
lets do it!!! :-)

And if its not cool with you. Im always
willing to do it your way. (Smile)


2. Hi beautiful,would u like to talk and get to know each other and see how things go,do you have aim,yahoo or bbm


3. Hey lady hows your wknd going so far?


Before I get to number 4 I have to tell you it's my favorite.


4. SUP BOO

Where do I begin?

LOL should not be in a message to me if you want me to take you seriously neither should you write the word smile in parenthesis. Why can't people write whole words? You is not a long word and did you ask me if I have aim? Weekend is also not a long word. All four of these men said they were older than 30 so why doesn't their communication reflect that? I'm not even going to touch the not knowing the difference between your and you're or number 4. There is so much to say but I won't bother.

What you read above are actual messages that men sent me expecting a response. Did they not read my profile? Though it's brief I clearly state who I am, how I am and what I like.


Stay tuned for more comedy... and please know, despite my laughter I remain open to the possibility of it all. I mean I am the poster girl for living out front. Remember that?

UPDATE- I wrote this post a while ago. Since writing it I have deleted my profile. I lasted the two weeks as promised but I couldn't hang after that although MinDog begged me to do so. That's why you can call me a punk. I couldn't hang. I couldn't hang at all! I have to find another way to live out front when it comes to dating. At this moment I can say that internet dating is not for me. Now, I'm still open to trying again, maybe, okay not really but maybe...I did make a new friend from the site. I'm not dating him. I actually sent him on a blind date with one of my girlfriends and they are now dating...call me a punk and a matchmaker.

Gratitude

There many things to be grateful for... here are two...

I am thankful to God for my life and livelihood.

AND

I am grateful to have friends.

MINdog Owt!

Scope

 Before and after...

The Best Dates Ever

I called MinDog with news. I thought she would be excited. To my surprise she was not. This is how the conversation went:

Metch:
I think I've decided I want to get married.

MinDog hung up the phone. I didn't understand why. For years she has been asking me to change my views about marriage and finally I decide that although I don't really like anybody I'm dating at the moment I may want to get married in the future. I spill my guts and she hangs up on me?

I called back.

Metch:
WHAT THE WHAT?!?!?!?!

MinDog:
If you get married we'll be two boring married women with husbands. You'll be boring like me and I won't be able to live vicariously through you. I won't be able to listen to your horrific dating stories. The good ones. I like the good ones too but what will I laugh about? Next thing, we'll be talking about the best dishwashers on the market and I don't want that life.

Metch:
Son, I'm not getting married tomorrow. I'm just saying I'm open to it now.

MinDog:
Don't be open to it.

Metch:
Ok

MinDog:
At least humor me and pretend you're not.

Metch:
Ok

MinDog:
Metch are you still in the phase where you think marriage isn't for you and you just want a dog child?

Metch:
Yes Min.

This conversation led me to think about some of the horrific dates MinDog liked laughing about.

1. The guy who literally would not move unless I opened the door for him because that's what he was/is accustomed to. He was serious. Dead serious. So I, like the ass I am, opened the door just enough to squeeze through. Snagged my dress in the process, fully intended to keep walking but had to turn back because I had left my phone in his car. I WANTED TO SCREAM!

2. You all remember Royal Blue.

3. The pool hall incident #1.

4. The anime incident.

5. The pool hall incident #2. For real- do I look like you should take me to the pool hall? I mean I love the pool hall with my friends and maybe if I know you- but the pool hall is not for a first date with me. ARGH! I understand. Sometimes I rock a facade of being down to earth but NO! Wait, I am am down to earth I'm just not a first date at the pool hall kind of woman...especially not with this particular winner...

6. The why is he wearing dog ears right now date? Did he just ask me for my opinion about homosexual men in heterosexual relationships?

7. I thought people stopped selling crack a long time ago. I don't know any real lawyers who sell crack too.

I'll stop here because I've realized MinDog might be right. How else will I continue to meet these choice men and continue to collect stories if I get married?

Oh and just so you know, I've started running experiments of my own because I'm convinced all of the men mentioned above, with the exception of Royal, were running experiments. My favorite experiment to conduct is the foul mouth one. Look it's fun... It may be a bit ridiculous but it's been fun to generate a story for someone else. In these moments I'm just doing my part to provide the universe with a bit of - let's call it comedy or we could say I'm giving back.

Conversations...

You know I love to relay snippets of conversations.  My friends are funny(sometimes).  In between our conversations that detail how we plan to save the children of the world, creativity in our respective art forms and the State of The Union you might hear insanity similar to what's below.

Snippet A- THE LAW

Friend 1:
What does he do?

Metch:
(after hesitating) He's a cop.  A police officer.  He's in law enforcement.  Which sounds better and won't make you laugh in disbelief?

Friend 2:
Metch cops are like firemen-  for fantasy only!


Snippet B- PATHETICISM


Friend 1:
SHE IS PATHETIC!  Her patheticism gets on my last nerve.

Metch:
Is patheticism a word?  That's not a word.  Why do people use that word as if it's a word?

Friend 1:
Of course it's not a word but that won't stop me from using it.  You complaining about it won't stop me from using it.  She is pathetic and her patheticism gets on my nerves!

Metch:
Okay fine her patheticism gets on your nerves.  Calm down.  She's not worth it, you are upset over nothing.

Friend 1:
When you want to go around cursing people like you're in a Greek tragedy for a couple of days at a time- I let you.  Let me be upset about her patheticism.  (then after a gasp) O my goodness I'm pathetic.  I'm pathetic because I keep talking about her patheticism.

Metch:
In this moment you are a little pathetic but it's okay and understandable...don't cry...DO NOT CRY.  

Friend 1:
If I'm going to be pathetic I'm going to be full-out  pathetic.  I'll be crying for the rest of the night and you can keep rubbing my back.  I'm so pathetic.


Snippet C- WINE

Friend 1:
He brought like 80 bottles of two buck Chuck over.

Metch:
Maybe because he saw the 80 bottles in your house.

Friend 1:
Well if you see I already have 80 bottles why would you bring 80 more?

Metch:
Maybe he was being considerate.  He observed that you have crates of the stuff and wanted to add to your stash.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It's actually a nice gesture.

Friend 1:
But I hate that stuff.

Metch:
Well he didn't know that.  Does he know now?  Did you tell him?

Friend 1:
No.  I was all emotional and I started crying because I was so upset about having so much of the sh** and he thought I was in love with his gesture.

Metch:
That's not good.  He's gonna buy you that ish all the time now.  You have to tell him...you've been crying a lot lately.

Friend 1:
I know and I know and I know.

Metch:
(laughing)So you have like 160 bottles of two buck Chuck?

Friend 1:
(shaking her head yes, on the verge of tears) Assorted reds and a few whites.

Take A Minute

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.” - Eckhart Tolle

Got this one from Oprah.com this morning. It's a good one...had me up and raring to go today.