Approaching

In exactly one month I will be 12 years old again. Every year on the approaching date I turn 12. Cyclically turning 12 gives me the opportunity to NOT get it right. I look at it this way- I'm going to turn 12 again next year, why not succeed or fail without being afraid?


I'm looking into the future people. Nothing too out there. A simple list of things that can be easily achieved in a year...let's go.


Generally I will spend the year celebrating being alive and I will also celebrate or do the following:


I get to be an aunty/godmother /cousin/ friend/secret keeper and love giver to a few babies on their way


I get another year to figure out why ice cream is the only dairy product I will never leave alone


I get another year to invent new ways to cook spinach and kale


…another year to enjoy, explore and examine food


Another year of conversations with my dearests


More wine with my dearests


Another year of fake complaining while realizing how wonderful my life is


Another year of hugs, hugs, hugs


More late night reading


Another year to celebrate shitty fabulousness- moving closer to the fabulous part of it more often but not pretending the shitty doesn't exist


Another year of sending and receiving letters from my pen pal


Another year to try things I have never tried before: going really far into the ocean without a life vest(I can swim but I'm not confident in my swimming and the vastness of the ocean scares me- I'll need a companion for that one), doing fewer things alone(I'm really good at doing things alone, now to try doing more things with other people- MinDog and T don't count), skydiving, disappearing


Another year of acting, right now that means auditioning, I'll still call it acting


More private dance parties for one(meaning me, just me)


An attitude adjustment (can't say what that means exactly- it's always a surprise)


Expanding


Jumping at least once a month- that means at least 12 times(in honor of my 12^th b-day)…the meaning of jump is to be determined(I'll write a report at the end of the year detailing the jumps)


I will continue with my living out front journey- now with more insight and love for the idea...I have so much love for the idea and the doing...


This year I'll write one poem(I won't share it though, my poems are bad-that's a truth not a judgment)


This year I will be ready to do that dang fitness competition at some point(September is step it up time)


It is my aim to not cut anyone out of my life this year. I want to take all of my meaningful relationships to a deeper level…


I want to start a conversation with at least two strangers and have that conversation be the beginning of a lasting friendship


I challenge myself(and MinDog) to continue this nonsensical blog


I commit to a year of wonder


Laughter for all


Demolish another wall...I will demolish another wall, I will demolish another wall!


Volunteer more often- right now I am at once a month…I will MAKE time for at least twice a month


Get my driver's license


Become more clear about what I want and better at stating it


Fill my life with more lists(a list is joy)


More of this and less of that, more that and less of this


I could go on and on...for now this will do...

I KNOW THAT PLANS CHANGE!

To Mark The Day...

For MinDog/from MinDog...whatever version you read it's all the same...through the fire and the push...

2nd Timothy 1:7

Amplified:For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.
KJV: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

NLT: For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Phillips: For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind.
Wuest: For God did not give to us a spirit of fearfulness, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Young's Literal: For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind;
All I have to say now is: I love.

PURE JOY!

Moving Too Fast

Having to check in is a beautiful marker. If I am about to do something and I have to check in with a friend before I do it that probably means I am moving too fast. That probably means I am letting go. Throwing caution to the wind and giving up control. I know it doesn't sound like it. Having to check in is just another way of making sure you are doing the right thing, another form of control...true for most people…for me, a step forward.


I have been checking in a lot lately. I have also been patting myself on the back for doing so. My back is sore.


It's the living out front phase I've decided to sit in. Ordinarily I wouldn't ask about actions I want to take. I would not consider such actions. I used to stop thoughts before they fully formed for fear of putting me out there in front of myself. I know that phrase is tough to wrap your head around but it's the truth. I have been so fearful of so many things(things like my feelings, my fears) for so long that I wouldn't even allow myself to really think about them. Talk about them? NEVER.


That's the glorious thing about growth and "manning up." That's the wonderful thing about having people in my life who have been willing to share despite my unwillingness- really my not knowing how to share- really my fear of sharing- really my fear of being known...
Right now I am moving too fast. It's a little nerve wrecking to put my control freak in the back seat. I grew up with her... Doing this has made me jumpier than usual and I kind of like it. I admit it's not smooth. It's also not so rigid, so square, so predictable…so controlled...it's light, very light.

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The last post I wrote was Lonely? After I posted it I received several text messages and calls asking if I was okay and if I needed to talk or if I wanted some rice or tea or ice cream. I love my friends. Thank you. I had no idea, though MinDog warned me, that that post would make my friends feel like they should contact me or random people feel like they should give me advice. I AM JUST FINE. I AM NOT ABOUT TO SLIT ANYTHING. I WAS HAVING A MOMENT. A VERY BRIEF MOMENT. I WAS SHARING, LIVING OUT FRONT. That's all it was/is. Come on, I love my life it is so shitty fab! On another note, I didn't even know that 90% of you who sent text messages and called read our blog. What the what? Why aren't you followers? Don't be afraid to follow. WE WILL NOT BITE YOU!

Lonely?

I am surrounded by the most wonderful friends and family. Hugs are our currency. I can call anyone of them and ask for company, a firm hug, a kiss, a rubdown, a home cooked meal, a whatever and they will provide. I can ask anyone of them to call me and sit on the phone with me for hours, listen to me moan about any number of things, text me all night, take a walk, a train ride with no destination, a day trip, a getaway, spend money they don't have and they will do it. All this and I am lonely. Very lonely.


There are men. There are the men I date. The men I just talk to on the phone. The men that send me things and scare the "ish" out of me (why do you know how to get that to me), the ones who will never go away and think I am a "motivant". They are around but...


What am I looking for?


I'm lonely and I don't quite know how to change that. I'm not even sure if lonely is the right way to describe what I am feeling/experiencing. Can I really have all that I listed above and still be lonely? All my years of watching Mother Oprah tell me the answer to that question is yes.


I lack the knowledge that would help me change this lonely or whatever it is I feel…Maybe this is just general confusion.


I hope it's the life altering kind. And what am I confused about?


Wait, this all sounds a "bit tad" morbid. I don't need my life altered. My life is fine. It's shitty fabulous. I am blessed. I am happy. What I need is to understand this feeling that comes over me at times. I'm not at mid life age(I'm 12 years old) so I can't be having a crisis. What is going on?


This lonely or unsatisfied feeling... Unsatisfied. That might be it. Unsatisfied. Nope that still doesn't feel like the right word but it's closer than lonely...WHAT THE WHAT?

FUN-Da-MENTALs

Who are you?

Well... that is the question I had been asking myself, after realizing that somewhere along the line I had begun to mistakenly define myself by my work...

Then randomly, while I was living the fake VIP life in LA earlier today, I had a convo with Metch. It was about her dating life...but we got on the topic of one of our fundamental differences.

In any given circumstance when faced with the choice of not knowing what to wear...I'd rather be slightly under-dressed than over and she'd rather be slightly over-dressed than under...

WHERE AM I GOING?...
I have NO IDEA!

BUT! I think that it must say something about who I fundamentally am... There are any number of psychoanalytical reasons why I'd rather be under-dressed and I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they answer that question. What exactly it tells you is up for debate.

But as I sat today with my friends at the W Hollywood, all of the girls surrounding me and my friends wearing their hoochie koochie garb, and the dudes dressed to the nines...I felt pretty good about having on my 80's jean outfit (LITERALLY I had on an 80's JEAN OUTFIT, and I caught much flack about it) I felt so FLY!

Now don't get me wrong...I can and have been known to give a fierce heel and hooker dress...OPERATIVE WORD BEING FIERCE...But my instinct is to play it down...

So I ask...who are you? And why am I trying to encapsulate all of myself in a simple inclination about clothing?

Profound? I think so.

MinDog OWT!

Saturday and Sunday with a Bathroom Tale Included

A recap.

all Saturday photography by Christine Jean Chambers

Saturday had us all over the city. In 13 hours we hit 3 out of five boroughs and did some damage. What's with the dramatic pause? Fine, we did no damage but we did have a festive day/night.

CJC had her camera with her. Does she go anywhere without it? NO. If she doesn't have it with her it's only because the bag that carries all the stuff she needs is too bulky to go with her ball gown and even then she will most likely have it and if she doesn't, she's quick to capture a moment with her mobile phone and make it look like she had the XLBD350064P757321 or whatever her camera's model number is.

That's CJC. All woman. She let me be a fake photographer for a moment. After setting the shot and doing all the stuff a real photographer does. All I had to do was push the button. She even taught me about framing and shutter speed and light. I got it sort of right eventually...I'm gonna stick to acting and pretending I'm a blogger. Real cameras are HEAVY.

T-Bone. Just talking away.

I think this is a fantastic candid.

We were at brunch and don't you know I was giving details about a date I had the night before and the man next to me(I had secretly been gawking at him and smelling him since we arrived, he knew it too - I saw him seeing me see him) decided to chime in. He heard me being me(I'm not so proud of the moment) and asked, "Does it really matter where he took you?" I tried to muster a no but I revealed my true self and said yes. To that answer he asked, "Did you have a good time?" "Yes," I said because I did. "Well that's all that matters," he said. " SHUTUP! SHUT THE BLEEP BLEEP UP," that's what I thought because I knew he was right.

I was annoyed because CJC and T-Bone had just been berating me with the same sentiment and MinDog had done the same on our cross country phone call earlier that morning. I was also annoyed because I was wondering why he didn't ask me out instead of butting into our conversation...in my head my life is so grand and only things that happen in movies happen to me. Not the heartache and pain just the good stuff. For example- in the movie version of my life the guy that I had been smelling(he was also smelling me) turns and says, "Sorry you didn't like where he took you. I can take you somewhere you are guaranteed to like." Then we waltz toward the sunset, never get married, cue music, we travel the world and live happily ever after. Yeah it's corny but so what...bear with me world.

Another fantastic shot. I think T-Bone must have been talking about how shitty fabulous her life is. That's the only subject that can produce a smile like that...

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The Bathroom Tale

We both had headaches and didn't know why.
We paused in the bathroom. Documented the tale.
Decided we needed water and sugar.
Sat down for a while. Stared at people. Listened to some live music.
Popped some Advil. And then proceeded to the 4th floor
to see what we had come to see.

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Saturday. If you want to see more of CJC's photography from this past weekend click here.

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Sunday.

A completely different vibe. No 13 hour outing. No gal pals. I woke up did a bit of research. Went to eat and learn lines by my lonesome. Brandon met me and we had dessert together. He also sang a a snippet from Jurassic Parq: The Broadway Musical for me...hilarity(can't wait to see it). Came home. Took a nap. Woke up to work on lines again. Checked email. Responded to email. Wrote a wee bit. Solidified lines I learned and watched an additional movie for research.

I know. I know. That is not the meal a woman on a strategic workout plan should be eating but sometimes, some multiple times in a week during the summer months it's gotta happen. The trainer is gonna make me pay! I'm okay with that.

How could I not be? My life is so SHITTY FAB and I LOVE IT!!!

OH BOY

Mike Blake/Reuters Residents in Temecula, Calif., protested against a mosque’s proposed worship center.

This photo accompanied this article in The New York Times.

Purposefully I've stayed away from writing about what's going on in the world. I've kept my opinions to myself. They really don't need to be heard. This blog isn't about that...

...this photo made me sick and I was forced to not say anything OUT LOUD.

Now back to our SHITTY FABULOUS LIVES...

Thoughts on Gratitude

Man...I love a good ole' unexpected trip!

LA was a blast!(when I proof read this, I was very disappointed in my use of the word "blast"...who am I? Have I lost thug points for that...but I digress).

Life is for living and while eating with someone I haven't seen in 6 years and another friend last night, we realized that a lot of folks go though life never knowing what it feels like to really live!

We live under the weight of shoulds and must do's! F_That! MAN!!

I am going to propose that we all do something,at least once a day, simply because we want to and it will make us smile.

It doesn't even have to be something big. EXAMPLE: If you are at work and sick/tired/bored/hate your co-workers/ any-dang-thing...and you would love to eat a scoop of ice cream...SNEAK out and have your mother-lovin' ice cream!! How exciting would that make your day? You'd be surprised. The sudden rush of joy that happens when you do something that makes you happy.

So take a moment and enjoy some part of your day on purpose! When we accumulate wondrous little moments as the days go on...I can promise that you will feel more fulfilled and HAPPY DANG NABBIT!

Das Shal! (read that like "that's all")
WERK!
LIVE!
Be KIND to YOURSELF and OTHERS!

God I had a good trip(literally I mean God...)! I had a good trip...THANKS!

MinDog OWT!

Professor Miller

Had a late night chat with Yusef.

It started with talk about psychics or psycho something or dopamine or thought or something...that documentary What The BLEEP Do We Know!? we were talking about that. Then we talked about Seed by Rahda Blank at Classical Theater of Harlem(go see it) and then we began talking about my dating life.

Yusef did a lot of laughing at me and the situations I find myself in...read the blog, clearly I have stories. I mean who else runs into an impostor and lives to blog about it? Anyway we were laughing about the latest situation: AWKWARD GUY.

I was through, about to throw in the towel. How much endearing, goofy, sincere, thoughtful behavior can one woman take when it's not coupled with decisive I'm sort of a caveman behavior? I can't take much...unless I tell Yusef about it and at the end of the conversation he leaves me with this thought:

"You are such a strong individual. What is all that strength
worth if you don't give yourself room
to change things up a bit? Do something different..."

Good one.

That statement/question was the gift Professor Miller gave me before hanging up. Darn...every time I think I'm making progress I realize it's only a thought...doing something different...isn't that what all my talk of living out front is about?

YES that's exactly what it's all about. For the second time this week I hang my head in shame...slyly smirk...and chuckle lightly while tossing my hands in the air and getting back to the business of being open...

I'm not through, I won't throw in the towel...this is a process. ARRGHH!

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The things I keep.
The same Professor Miller passed this note to me in a rehearsal many moons ago.
He passed it after I expressed my desires to learn how to do a hand stand(notice the stick figure drawing) and to get into grad school...many moons ago...I can sort of do a hand stand now and I am so done with school, the institutional kind anyway...the learning continues.

Bad Romance

So...note to self... NEVER send a sexy text pic when your husband is away visiting a cousin and not expected to arrive home until 5:30 am, and most likely going to sleep on the bus, and have his phone stolen...

Good gugga mugga, Lady Gaga! Is this what you meant?

I am at the airport and all I can think of is how I am about to have to get on this 6 hour flight and how some stranger is looking at me!

Didn't I learn years ago never to take a dirty pic? Years ago...when I forgot I had some on a roll of film and the little boy at the drugstore fell in love with me?

WHAT AM I GIVING!? Thank God my face isn't in it...TMI?

But I am going to pop a nighttime pill and sleep away my shame...focusing on the the fact that I am a bomb wife and cursing that ole' buzzard for not erasing it immediately.

Ra ra bup mama, Roma, Oooh LA LA, GA gA Oooh LA La....

MinDog OWT! (literally)

wishes are prayers...rambling and rambling

wish i could be on stage right now, acting my little heart out.

wish i had some text written by an amazing playwright. text that would guide me and show me the easy way in. the easy way out...

i wish i was on stage, acting with actors, learning and stealing, and living and being.

i wish i could just sit and not wish. but i think not wishing is strange. i wish that i could wish for something else.

i wish a lot.

while i'm doing everything i wish. not in an "i can't live in the moment way" but in a "this wish is a bridge of belief that will carry me into the next moment kind of way"...maybe that doesn't make sense...

i wish is a funny phrase. i wish that wishes came true as soon as you thought of them or whispered them.

it's better when you whisper them. they seem more magical that way.

wishes are prayers.

maybe that's why i like whispering them. i whisper my prayers at night and in the morning. throughout the day it's more of a mumble.

i wish, i mean i pray...

i am satisfied but of course i want more...that doesn't make sense either but it's how i feel. i think feelings are supposed to be irrelevant or i'm supposed to pretend they are. well, that's the problem with living out front...all pretense slowly melts away and then your wishes/prayers are heard by all...

some of the things i have in my life i wished for since i was a child. that means i have to keep on wishing...praying(all while being active of course).

that makes sense...

Deleting Must Haves

(You may want to read these posts to catch up

on the must have list/dating/relationship saga. Maybe begin with this one...or this one, maybe read them all, it's up to you.)

In the middle of preparing to write what was going to be this post I had to stop and send MinDog the following text(I would have called but it was too early to converse):

Metch: I wrote a blog post this morning and while I was writing I was linking old posts within the new post and I realized that a few people on the blog and personally(*via text, email, phone and facebook message- we have many secret followers) have been dying to know what is on my must have list. But at the moment that list is too personal to share even for a gal like me trying to live out front...I decided I could and would write a post about the must haves that I've scratched off the list(*permanently deleted in an attempt to be more open among other things...) ...SON, I was about to start writing it and despite all my recent talk and self patting on the back I realized there are only two things I've scratched off the must have list...and secretly I don't think I've really scratched them off...for real, WHAT AM I GIVING????

And in response to my 5 part crisis text-

MinDog: Ahahaha!! And why are you never asleep?

I sleep. I sleep a lot. I just wake up really early. It's a curse and a blessing. Sleep is not the issue here. I'm talking about one thing and MinDog is laughing and talking about sleep....WHAT THE WHAT? She laughed. MinDog text laughed at my early morning realization.

Later that same day I shared the realization with another friend. I HAVE NOT BEEN MAKING AS MUCH PROGRESS IN THE DELETING MUST HAVES AREA AS I THOUGHT I WAS. To my surprise all my friends knew this. I didn't.

Woe. Woe. Lot's of fake woe.

To make matters worse, I had to come clean and admit that I only scratched one must have off of the list, not two. #6,523- Must wear a suit.

Go ahead and laugh. I like making people laugh.

All joking aside I think this makes me an official MESS. I hang my head in shame...and slyly smirk...and chuckle lightly while tossing my hands in the air and getting back to the business of being open...

*not part of the text message.

photograph by Christine Jean Chambers

FOOLISHNESS!

Fear

Folks who know me know that I live life with a sense of fear and anxiety about random things that I constantly have to face and muster up the bravery to overcome so that I can live a great shitty fabulous life...

DOGS
CATS
FISH
ANIMALS of all kinds (even cute ones and even small ones)
DRIVING IN THE RAIN
FAILURE and SUCCESS
BEING UTTERLY ALONE
HAVING BABIES
HAVING A DISEASE
THE UNKNOWN
PAIN
NEEDLES
THE DARK...

The list goes on and on and I have spent my entire life doing things in spite of my fears. Yay pat me on the back!!! BUT...

One such fear that seems to get in the way of me being bi-coastal is that I AM AFRAID TO FLY!!!!!

I have been on tour for 2 years! On and off of planes! BUT I HATE FLYING!

HOW will I ever travel the world! (Because that is something I want to do!)

I have to go shoot this Outlaw scene in LA, but I am scared to go back! And I am on a flight at 9am...so I won't be able to induce sleep! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!??

I guess I will do as always...

Say a prayer, and hop on the plane. Not complain about the flight time, and thank God for all the things that happen in my life.

LIVE LIFE! MinDOG OWT!

It Is.

The short red dress. The living in the moment. The trash. The trashcan. The laughter. The photographer. This photo. The city. The carefree spirit. The cars zipping by. The street. The trash in the trashcan. The location we were going to. The witch at the location we had just left. The place we began. The entire night. My life. Our lives. The music. The heels and the flats. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring. The view from here. The vindication. The taxi ride. The taxi driver. People wanting to bite us. The flash. The fountain. The bench. The bags. The announcement. The people we wanted to help but couldn't so we didn't. The single coin in the fountain. The trying to scale a wall of bushes and realizing that was a bad idea. The elevator full of inquiry. The two seconds of jazz. The quick departure. The slow departure. The taxi vs. train debate. The taxi. The train. The phone call. The writing of a blog post. The starting with sunlight and ending with street light. The old man game. The reading/the looking over sides when I should have just gone to sleep. The wonder. The waking up to do most of it again, even if only in my head. The new news and the recap. The shattered glass. The wait.

All of this- life. Combining all of these things is Shitty Fab! It is.

Still don't know what we mean by shitty fab? Click here to find out.

photograph by Christine Jean Chambers

Bi-Coastal_ism_osphy!

So! I am officially bi-coastal! Now... I thought I was before because I had to leave LA and go to Philly to shoot an NYC job...Now I am about to go back to LA to shoot an NYC gig...(the same gig, but does it really matter).

And I have also decided that the LA video blog is coming back for that particular weekend. Hold onto your seats folks!

Pearls of wisdom...

If you need great pics go to CJC!
If you want to be Bi-Coastal, go to a different coast for a bit.
Philly is the only place to get a good cheese-steak.

And Finally...

LIVE LIFE Shitty Fabulously at all times!

MINdog OWT!

...You Can Fly...

Just a reminder...

never be afraid to love, never be afraid to just be...have the courage to be free

Thanks Robyne and Yusef for hooking me up
with those Lizz Wright albums all those years ago.
I love lasting gifts...lasting inspiration.