Moving Too Fast

Having to check in is a beautiful marker. If I am about to do something and I have to check in with a friend before I do it that probably means I am moving too fast. That probably means I am letting go. Throwing caution to the wind and giving up control. I know it doesn't sound like it. Having to check in is just another way of making sure you are doing the right thing, another form of control...true for most people…for me, a step forward.


I have been checking in a lot lately. I have also been patting myself on the back for doing so. My back is sore.


It's the living out front phase I've decided to sit in. Ordinarily I wouldn't ask about actions I want to take. I would not consider such actions. I used to stop thoughts before they fully formed for fear of putting me out there in front of myself. I know that phrase is tough to wrap your head around but it's the truth. I have been so fearful of so many things(things like my feelings, my fears) for so long that I wouldn't even allow myself to really think about them. Talk about them? NEVER.


That's the glorious thing about growth and "manning up." That's the wonderful thing about having people in my life who have been willing to share despite my unwillingness- really my not knowing how to share- really my fear of sharing- really my fear of being known...
Right now I am moving too fast. It's a little nerve wrecking to put my control freak in the back seat. I grew up with her... Doing this has made me jumpier than usual and I kind of like it. I admit it's not smooth. It's also not so rigid, so square, so predictable…so controlled...it's light, very light.

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The last post I wrote was Lonely? After I posted it I received several text messages and calls asking if I was okay and if I needed to talk or if I wanted some rice or tea or ice cream. I love my friends. Thank you. I had no idea, though MinDog warned me, that that post would make my friends feel like they should contact me or random people feel like they should give me advice. I AM JUST FINE. I AM NOT ABOUT TO SLIT ANYTHING. I WAS HAVING A MOMENT. A VERY BRIEF MOMENT. I WAS SHARING, LIVING OUT FRONT. That's all it was/is. Come on, I love my life it is so shitty fab! On another note, I didn't even know that 90% of you who sent text messages and called read our blog. What the what? Why aren't you followers? Don't be afraid to follow. WE WILL NOT BITE YOU!