Lonely?

I am surrounded by the most wonderful friends and family. Hugs are our currency. I can call anyone of them and ask for company, a firm hug, a kiss, a rubdown, a home cooked meal, a whatever and they will provide. I can ask anyone of them to call me and sit on the phone with me for hours, listen to me moan about any number of things, text me all night, take a walk, a train ride with no destination, a day trip, a getaway, spend money they don't have and they will do it. All this and I am lonely. Very lonely.


There are men. There are the men I date. The men I just talk to on the phone. The men that send me things and scare the "ish" out of me (why do you know how to get that to me), the ones who will never go away and think I am a "motivant". They are around but...


What am I looking for?


I'm lonely and I don't quite know how to change that. I'm not even sure if lonely is the right way to describe what I am feeling/experiencing. Can I really have all that I listed above and still be lonely? All my years of watching Mother Oprah tell me the answer to that question is yes.


I lack the knowledge that would help me change this lonely or whatever it is I feel…Maybe this is just general confusion.


I hope it's the life altering kind. And what am I confused about?


Wait, this all sounds a "bit tad" morbid. I don't need my life altered. My life is fine. It's shitty fabulous. I am blessed. I am happy. What I need is to understand this feeling that comes over me at times. I'm not at mid life age(I'm 12 years old) so I can't be having a crisis. What is going on?


This lonely or unsatisfied feeling... Unsatisfied. That might be it. Unsatisfied. Nope that still doesn't feel like the right word but it's closer than lonely...WHAT THE WHAT?