RealTalk

My ex(we broke up a little over four years ago) and I have a great relationship. Because we were friends for at least six years before we began our relationship we had something to hold onto once the relationship ended. Not at first of course. He was definitely in the ultimate asshole category for a good year before we resumed being friends. Resuming the friendship was easy since we have experienced so much life together. We have no barriers in our friendship. Nothing but honesty. I say what I want to say when I want to say and he does the same. When I have questions about men I either ask him or my brother.
Recently the ex and I had a relationship conversation. We do this from time to time. Sometimes he needs insight or to vent or to laugh about a particular woman or situation with a woman and sometimes I need to do the same about my dealings with men. In this last conversation he said some pretty funny stuff. I shall share.

THE 15 POINT CHECK LIST

THE EX: After I pass your inspection, once I have a check after all 15 points on your long ass list what the hell are you gonna do? What are you bringing to the table?

                        
                        Metch: That's a valid question. You shouldn't be afraid to ask it.

THE EX: I don't want to ask. I just want to be told. Since a woman can so easily rattle off her list of expectations why can't she rattle off her list of offerings?

Metch: Maybe she thinks what she is bringing to the table is obvious. I don't know. I still think you should ask. If you want to know something you ask. Right?

                        DOES IT EVER CROSS YOUR MIND?

THE EX: Does it cross your mind to say, "hey what does he want? What are his expectations? What do I have to be willing to do in order to get what I am asking for?" Ass is not enough, not when we are talking about a relationship. Not when you want me to consider monogamy. Come on.

Metch: So you are talking about a basic contract discussion. I agree things should be up front. In order for that to happen you have to ask questions.

DATING

The EX: I am tired of women saying, "Let's go out. Let's go on a date." Why should I keep dating you? That shit costs money. I may not be interested in you and worse you may not be interested in me. Fuck this double standard. Women never want to pay.

Metch: You know that's not true. Women pay all the time. They at least offer to pay for the date or their share and do.

The EX: Come on, Mecth(he actually calls me Meech) do you pay for dates?

Metch: When I'm interested in a man I'll spend money, I'll pay. Usually the men I'm out with won't let me so I have to do it on the front end of the date. I also won't go on a second date with a guy if I'm not interested. That's a waste of my time but sometimes I do just want to go out but then I'd call you or another friend. Much less worry. I'd rather laugh and tell jokes instead of wasting my time with a dude who is potentially annoying, boring, has no sense of anything or can't present a decent challenge in some way…and nothing sucks more than being out with a dude who is touching you, even if it's on the shoulder, and you don't want him to touch you. I just don't have it in me. I envy my friends who can do this. Their lives seem so much more exciting than mine. They try and give me lessons but I'm a horrible student. All that to say: if you are bitching about paying for a date you probably already know that woman is a no go. I know this because you in particular don't ever really care about paying for anything. Maybe you need to up the caliber of woman you are dating. Sorry I had to say it.

The EX: I think the only time a woman is willing to pay is if she is dating a broke guy and she can rule him.

Metch: That's funny. Ruling a man is funny. Please say more.

The EX: He has no money so she decides where they go, what they do and he can't say anything because she is footing the bill…so he does what she says. She rules him and runs the relationship. On the flip side if you have it to spend you are somehow expected to do so. It's as if expectations change based on what the dude can afford.

Metch: Is there something wrong with that? I'm JOKING. Okay wait I'm not. Expectation is based upon what you want and what the person has to offer. It makes the most sense to deal with someone who can offer what you want…please introduce me to these women who want to rule broke men. I don't think they exist. I think something else is at play in that dynamic. That broke man has to be as you would say offering something. I think you are looking at the situation from the outside and creating that story…

                        FANTASY

The EX: Should I be charged with delivering your (meaning a woman's) fantasy? Maybe your fantasy is not my idea of a relationship…

Metch: Good one. So what are you asking for?

The EX: More honesty.

                        Metch: More honesty?
                    
                        The EX: Yeah about your core values.


                         Metch: Then you have to be willing to talk for more than five seconds crazy.

Then he says it, only to make my blood boil and curdle at the same time. He says, "I'm done with Black women." He's joking…I hope.


I should let him do a guest blog. His ramblings are at once profound and insane and sometimes dumb, just like mine. RealTalk.