Gratitude

There many things to be grateful for... here are two...

I am thankful to God for my life and livelihood.

AND

I am grateful to have friends.

MINdog Owt!

Scope

 Before and after...

The Best Dates Ever

I called MinDog with news. I thought she would be excited. To my surprise she was not. This is how the conversation went:

Metch:
I think I've decided I want to get married.

MinDog hung up the phone. I didn't understand why. For years she has been asking me to change my views about marriage and finally I decide that although I don't really like anybody I'm dating at the moment I may want to get married in the future. I spill my guts and she hangs up on me?

I called back.

Metch:
WHAT THE WHAT?!?!?!?!

MinDog:
If you get married we'll be two boring married women with husbands. You'll be boring like me and I won't be able to live vicariously through you. I won't be able to listen to your horrific dating stories. The good ones. I like the good ones too but what will I laugh about? Next thing, we'll be talking about the best dishwashers on the market and I don't want that life.

Metch:
Son, I'm not getting married tomorrow. I'm just saying I'm open to it now.

MinDog:
Don't be open to it.

Metch:
Ok

MinDog:
At least humor me and pretend you're not.

Metch:
Ok

MinDog:
Metch are you still in the phase where you think marriage isn't for you and you just want a dog child?

Metch:
Yes Min.

This conversation led me to think about some of the horrific dates MinDog liked laughing about.

1. The guy who literally would not move unless I opened the door for him because that's what he was/is accustomed to. He was serious. Dead serious. So I, like the ass I am, opened the door just enough to squeeze through. Snagged my dress in the process, fully intended to keep walking but had to turn back because I had left my phone in his car. I WANTED TO SCREAM!

2. You all remember Royal Blue.

3. The pool hall incident #1.

4. The anime incident.

5. The pool hall incident #2. For real- do I look like you should take me to the pool hall? I mean I love the pool hall with my friends and maybe if I know you- but the pool hall is not for a first date with me. ARGH! I understand. Sometimes I rock a facade of being down to earth but NO! Wait, I am am down to earth I'm just not a first date at the pool hall kind of woman...especially not with this particular winner...

6. The why is he wearing dog ears right now date? Did he just ask me for my opinion about homosexual men in heterosexual relationships?

7. I thought people stopped selling crack a long time ago. I don't know any real lawyers who sell crack too.

I'll stop here because I've realized MinDog might be right. How else will I continue to meet these choice men and continue to collect stories if I get married?

Oh and just so you know, I've started running experiments of my own because I'm convinced all of the men mentioned above, with the exception of Royal, were running experiments. My favorite experiment to conduct is the foul mouth one. Look it's fun... It may be a bit ridiculous but it's been fun to generate a story for someone else. In these moments I'm just doing my part to provide the universe with a bit of - let's call it comedy or we could say I'm giving back.

Conversations...

You know I love to relay snippets of conversations.  My friends are funny(sometimes).  In between our conversations that detail how we plan to save the children of the world, creativity in our respective art forms and the State of The Union you might hear insanity similar to what's below.

Snippet A- THE LAW

Friend 1:
What does he do?

Metch:
(after hesitating) He's a cop.  A police officer.  He's in law enforcement.  Which sounds better and won't make you laugh in disbelief?

Friend 2:
Metch cops are like firemen-  for fantasy only!


Snippet B- PATHETICISM


Friend 1:
SHE IS PATHETIC!  Her patheticism gets on my last nerve.

Metch:
Is patheticism a word?  That's not a word.  Why do people use that word as if it's a word?

Friend 1:
Of course it's not a word but that won't stop me from using it.  You complaining about it won't stop me from using it.  She is pathetic and her patheticism gets on my nerves!

Metch:
Okay fine her patheticism gets on your nerves.  Calm down.  She's not worth it, you are upset over nothing.

Friend 1:
When you want to go around cursing people like you're in a Greek tragedy for a couple of days at a time- I let you.  Let me be upset about her patheticism.  (then after a gasp) O my goodness I'm pathetic.  I'm pathetic because I keep talking about her patheticism.

Metch:
In this moment you are a little pathetic but it's okay and understandable...don't cry...DO NOT CRY.  

Friend 1:
If I'm going to be pathetic I'm going to be full-out  pathetic.  I'll be crying for the rest of the night and you can keep rubbing my back.  I'm so pathetic.


Snippet C- WINE

Friend 1:
He brought like 80 bottles of two buck Chuck over.

Metch:
Maybe because he saw the 80 bottles in your house.

Friend 1:
Well if you see I already have 80 bottles why would you bring 80 more?

Metch:
Maybe he was being considerate.  He observed that you have crates of the stuff and wanted to add to your stash.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It's actually a nice gesture.

Friend 1:
But I hate that stuff.

Metch:
Well he didn't know that.  Does he know now?  Did you tell him?

Friend 1:
No.  I was all emotional and I started crying because I was so upset about having so much of the sh** and he thought I was in love with his gesture.

Metch:
That's not good.  He's gonna buy you that ish all the time now.  You have to tell him...you've been crying a lot lately.

Friend 1:
I know and I know and I know.

Metch:
(laughing)So you have like 160 bottles of two buck Chuck?

Friend 1:
(shaking her head yes, on the verge of tears) Assorted reds and a few whites.

Take A Minute

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.” - Eckhart Tolle

Got this one from Oprah.com this morning. It's a good one...had me up and raring to go today.

Slightly Connected Memories

My first alter was born in Philly.  Her name was Peaches.  That woman sitting directly below me and just above MinDog was Cream.  We wrote short comedy pieces and performed them on Sundays.  One night we were sharing a piece and could not get through it because we were laughing so hard.  David Hale, one of our professors, was there.  I had a thing for David Hale.  I always wanted to impress him because he was so smart and seemed to know everything about the world and theatre, he wore Tabi socks with flip flops or Tabi boots and what little hair he had left was all silvery white... when he gave me a tongue lashing for my unprofessional behavior I never felt so bad about myself, so embarrassed.  "You thought that was funny?  I didn't.  It is your job to be focused... let the audience laugh..." I believe this is when I began to perfect my straight man and seriously study/become obsessed with Bea Arthur- her deadpan comedic timing is genius, I aspire to be that good.

My second alter, also born in Philly.  Her name was WinterMoore(pronounced VinterMoore).  MinDog was Olga.  As cousins the two of us terrorized the streets of Philly and New York with our man made dialect saying we were from a non existent country in Africa called Slova.  People(men) believed us.  Among other things we said there were purple zebras in Slova and they believed us.  "I've heard of Slova; can you take me to there?"  My goodness, if we had a penny for every time a man said they had heard of Slova...

Recently we took a trip to Philly and went to D's moms house.  There we sifted through pictures from his childhood and we eventually took a trip down memory lane.  That memory involved MinDog, D, and me in a closet, a girl outside wanting to fight D and a broken mirror...I would elaborate but I think that incident may be the next screenplay D writes, so it's off limits.

Then we went to MinDog's mom's house and I remembered how her address was my return address on mailings for so many years but I couldn't remember why.  Neither could MinDog.  

Anyway, I was recalling incident after incident and realized how much I've laughed and cried from laughter.  It's a beautiful thing!  I wished I had pictures(other than production photos) from that period of time.  Then I remembered the picture above.

...glad Barry took took this picture all those years ago... When I look at it I remember so many things, I recognize growth, acknowledge lessons learned,  but mostly I'm struck by how much hasn't changed...To 2091!

Exactly

I had to create a movement piece one year. I did it to this song and my teacher said, " That was wonderful. I've always loved Tracy Chapman."

New Word

MinDog makes up words all the time. It's kind of funny but sometimes it drives me insane because after she makes it up she'll use it every chance she gets for a solid three days. My favorite MinDog word to date is ohmydunneration. This is was originally used to communicate with babies. It's another way to say oh my goodness gracious. Now it's used whenever and for whatever.

A couple of days ago I had to put my foot down when she came up with her latest.

Metch:
I don't feel like getting dressed but I must. Tell me what to put on.

MinDog:
Put on something that accentuates your wasstio.

Metch:
What's my wasstio?

MinDog:
Uh, hello, it's your waist to a** ratio.

Metch:
No Min. That word is unacceptable. Don't use it ever again.

MinDog:
You'll be using it soon enough.

Metch:
No I won't. I will never use that word.

2 seconds later after scanning my closet...

Metch:
I found the perfect thing to accentuate my wasstio!

BOOSTER SEAT

Where should I begin?

I know a few things for sure.  My mother is my mother, my father is my father and God provides.

Right now I'm wondering if God has provided everyone with a companion who is guaranteed to regularly make them laugh until they literally cry.

I just finished wiping my eyes.  I was in bed trying to sleep when I thought about a conversation MinDog and I had a few hours prior.   I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING!  All by myself in the wee hours of the morning I was cracking up.

I haven't a clue why but for some reason MinDog and I were talking about booster seats.  Below is a snippet of the conversation that has me thanking God for my MinDog this morn.

METCH:
I want a booster seat.

MINDOG:
You know what?  You might need one.   Let me check right now (she types something into google I assume, there is a brief pause)-  Oh son, you are just making it!   Any child under 4'9" is required to be in a booster seat.  You're only five feet(she pauses thoughtfully).  I think you should get  one and take it on all your dates.

METCH:
When I come out of the house with it he might think I have a child or something.

MINDOG:
And that's when you say, "Oh this?  This booster seat is for me.  It's for safety."

Let the laughing begin.  Just that flash of the conversation ran through my head as I was lying in bed.  I couldn't help it-  I began to imagine all the men that I am currently known to run around town with (in reality and my dreams) pulling up to my building to find me standing there with my booster seat in hand.  Seriously, with all this laughter I don't think I need to do crunches for a month!

Don't let me come across an extra hundred because I might go buy one.  Please, file this under- SILLY THINGS I DREAM OF DOING and if you want to see what I would look like in a booster seat click here- when you see that very tall little boy in the seat just imagine it's me.

Letters To The World(and a specific person)... #3

Dear World,

I didn't expect to write you another letter so soon.  It's only been a couple of days.  I guess life is what it is...  I'll keep this one brief.

Am I really supposed to remind your adult a** that you are supposed to be somewhere or do something?  I hate when you ask with sincerity, "why didn't you remind me?"

Here's my answer: Last time I checked you were an adult.  Being an adult means being responsible.  If not in totality then at least be responsible for your schedule.  See, what I do is- I write things down or put them in my planner or phone or some other device that will record the appointment and remind me when it's approaching.  In addition to that I do my best to remember important dates.  If I don't remember it's probably because it wasn't important to me.

Wait.  Is forgetting your way of telling me I'm not important?

Geez, that's a coward's way out!  But it's okay.  I understand.  We must all live in a manner that makes us comfortable.

Stay warm.

Sincerely,

Metch

Letters To The World(and a specific person)... #2

Letters To The World(and a specific person)... #1

Mmmm...

"I feel there's gonna be an explosion."



Love this.

Letters To The World(and a specific person)... #2

Dear World,

You should know- I can't stand them.  Whether in a heated argument or prior to making a request they're not sure you'll say yes to, people who have to remind you of something/anything/everything they have ever done for you get on my nerves.  I can't stand them.  Those people irk me.

Every time somebody begins spouting what they've done for me I think about my mom.  She would be going on for years if she had to list everything she's done for me.  I'm glad she's not one of those people.  Don't think I'd be able to listen to that song.  Can you imagine?  "I was sure to nourish my body properly when you were in the womb, I gave birth to you, more specifically I let them cut me open when there was a chance you wouldn't survive, I fed you, burped you, changed your diapers, taught you how to walk, how to talk, I bathed you, I dressed you..."  See what I mean?  That would be a long song...I still hadn't turned a year when she was doing all of that.

With that in mind, how dare you volunteer to complete a task and then remind me/ throw it in my face that you did it because I choose not to do something you want me to do.

If my mom doesn't remind me of what she's done for me- YOU CAN'T EITHER!

I had no idea that time would pass and that service or item you voluntarily provided would mean I owed you my life.  What the what!  Since when did an act of kindness have to be repaid with whatever you fancy whenever you fancy it.

It all makes me weary of accepting anything anybody, except my mom, is offering.

If I take something from you that automatically means I can never say no when you ask me for something?  Is that how it works?  If I say no, I have to be ready to hear "but I gave you a ride when you needed one, that time you were hungry I fed you, when you couldn't sleep I stayed awake to keep you company, when you were thirsty I walked two inches and passed you your bottle of water, when you needed this I gave you this and when you needed that I gave you that..."

SHUT UP!

I declare today the day of doing things because you want to and not because you want to lord it over me in the future, force me to do things I don't want to do or announce from the mountaintops what a great person you are since you did x, y, and z.

Do things because you want to do them, do things because you have a kind heart, do things out of love and then forget you've done them.  Please and thank you.


Sincerely,

Metch

Letters To The World(and a specific person)... #1