I find myself without a legit agent (prayerfully that won’t last much longer). How did that happen? I have no idea but clearly it was supposed to happen because it did.
This means: I have to fight really hard to be seen for certain auditions, sometimes I am surprised by who calls me in, sometimes I don’t get seen at all, I am currently negotiating a contract by myself and the amount of times I hear, “you’d be great in this role BUT,” seems to have increased 30 fold.
While this is all very challenging (by this I mean navigating the business without a legit agent) it has also helped me regain/reclaim a certain sense about myself and begin to redefine why I do what I do and what I want to bring into this seemingly saturated business.
It has taken me a while to stand up and say I know what I am doing. I know how to learn what I don’t know and whether you reject or accept me doesn’t add to who I am, take away from who I am or what I have.
Theoretically I’ve always known this. I grew up with my mother instilling that idea in me day after day on our long car rides. To know it is one thing. To truly believe it, to truly understand your power and the gifts you’ve been given is another thing.
It’s akin to hair. I’ll clarify- I grew up in a household where the relaxer was not it. My mother always told me that I was beautiful just the way I was. She always said that I didn't need chemicals to find my beauty or to make me beautiful. She even cut all my hair off when I snuck and got a relaxer without permission. All of that and the first thing I did when I was of age was grab a relaxer kit…hmmm.
When I was in my second year of undergrad I realized my mom was right and at that point I wasn’t sure how to live in myself. How to live without a relaxer- so one day I just stood in front of the mirror and cut my hair off. I was so excited, and I liked what I saw.
I went to my friend’s house next door and her neighbor said, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR!?!?” Devastation set in.
I ran back to my apartment and stood in the mirror- CRYING. What had I done? My impulsive nature had failed me. Why did I cut my hair off? What was I going to do with this low afro?
After a few hours I came back to the mirror. I decided I had to learn to love what I saw. I decided that I had to understand my natural beauty. It was going to be a journey, a crazy one but I decided to go forward.
A few years later I felt guilty because I wanted a relaxer again. Did that mean I was giving in to society’s idea of what I should look like? I asked my friend Robyne what she thought(because she's smart) and she asked, “Why did you go natural in the first place?” I answered, “Because I needed to learn about my natural beauty and I needed to accept myself.” She then asked, “Did you do that?” Yes. “Then you can do whatever you want to do with your hair.”
I didn’t relax my hair again until my long term relationship ended and I had a bout of momentary insanity. Dying for a change not only did I relax the fro I had been picking out, twisting and growing for years but I cut my hair off completely and got a short sleek style, dyed jet black to make it pop. I was happy for a moment.
That moment ended. The truth was I wasn’t that person(the one who would rock a short sleek jet black relaxed cut) anymore and when I woke up the next morning and saw what I had done I thought I would die…But there is no going back- or is there?
Well I let that relaxer grow out a bit and then for the second time I chopped that bad boy off. This time no devastation set in. This time I looked in the mirror and said- “THERE SHE IS.”
I was so in myself, so grounded that I could see clearly. I knew who I was in that moment and I knew who I was could change instantly. It could change as quickly as my hair could/can and knowing that felt/feels great. All of my hair history had come full circle and somehow it was directly related to where I was in my life. My hair journey allowed me to see that I understand something/ some things...
I had to come to the understanding in my own time. It didn’t matter how many times my mom told me I was beautiful the way I am or how many times she told me I was powerful beyond belief, that I am a child of God born with gifts that He decided I should have, that no harm can come to me because I am protected…It didn’t matter. I had to figure out how to believe the lessons I was being taught.
I say it didn’t matter but it did. It only didn’t matter in relation to time. I didn’t get it instantly… I know it’s because I was hearing those words of wisdom all of my life that led to my belief in them now. I know that hearing those teachings is how I got to where I am today. My mother and other people like her, all my teachers were/are secretly empowering me at all times to stand up and say and do whatever it is I needed/need to do and say…
At the moment, without an agent I've found I can be my own agent... I was forced to find out. Just like my impulsive hair choices forced me to understand that I understand.
What’s the point of all this?
Well... Everyone comes to understand their truth, their power, their gifts, their beauty in their own time and today I wonder how I can help others shorten the amount of time it takes to get there. I’m acknowledging all the help I’ve had and continue to receive and wanting to do the same for others.
That’s all.
"It isn't until you come to a spiritual understanding of who you are - not necessarily a religious feeling, but deep down, the spirit within - that you can begin to take control." -Oprah Winfrey
-------------
This was going to be a post that went under our acting tab but somewhere at the top I got off track, forgot what acting specific thing I originally wanted to say and landed on all of this… STILL LIVING OUT FRONT!
P.S. Whether your hair is natural or processed matters not!
This is a picture that I got off of a site called My First Bub. This baby was born at 30 weeks!!!! 
