I Miss Things

When my lunch cookie crumbled...

With simple choices lives are being altered.  

Politics, the lack of humanity and having to take a stand have been on my mind.  These are heavy topics and issues that need to be discussed.  In the middle of all this heaviness,  today,  I found myself out for a walk, and then sitting at lunch with things that seem irrelevant in comparison running through this head of mine.

At first I missed the person.  That passed. 

Today, I found myself  admitting that I miss things.  

Buttering bread, putting mayonnaise on the side because that's what he liked, the extra large everything because regular sized anything would be too small, being forced to keep my word because I said it out loud, unplanned dates, not having to wonder who my date would be, debating until I could be nothing but silent, choosing the opposite side just to be in opposition, the difference.  I miss the difference coupled with the togetherness... the experience of sharing moments.

I had no idea that you could miss experience and not miss a person.  In my mind the other person was the relationship.  

As I thought about the phone call I would have to make to my mom later this day(the one where I say something like, "Mommy my life is great, I am blessed and today I feel so ugghhh...")- I knew she would ask me to articulate, in complete sentences, what I was feeling.  

So I sat there thinking.  Complete sentences came.  I miss sharing experiences in a particularly intimate way that can only come when you are actively in uncensored relation to another human being.  I miss the ease of focusing on somebody else because it helps me not focus on myself.  I miss my run-on sentences being loved.

Lunch was over and I started walking again.  I had to yell at myself (in my head) after a few steps.  Those sentences are so wordy.  What don't you want to say?  

I miss being in a relationship.  

When I said that aloud (in my head) I almost died.  Why was I so ashamed to admit that to myself?  Why the guilt?  Why do I think I should only be focused on the happenings of the world and not the very simple desires I have?

I find myself in a weird place this Saturday afternoon.  Signing petitions, drafting plans, fixing plans, adjusting schedules, learning sides, painting pictures(in my mind), getting ready for tonight's show, and  feeling guilty because my problems aren't really problems; they aren't even issues...

When I call my mom I think she will probably laugh at me, which will make me laugh at myself ... wait, I'm already laughing...