Shining Recollection

Sometimes I am FORCED to recall a moment.



This morning I was lying in bed and the way the sun was shining on my face forced me to recall a crash. Not the kind you have in a car but a the kind you have when you aren't paying attention and you aren't looking where you are going(I confess I do this often) and the one person you are avoiding spots you and you can't run because you are one of five people on the street and you happen to be wearing bright yellow so if there was a crowd you wouldn't be able to get lost in it and the only place to go would be into that restaurant(but I'm not hungry) or that boutique(but I don't window shop) or McDonald's and if I did that the person would surely know I was avoiding him.


So I just pause when I hear my name called. I recognize the voice, this is a CRASH.


Damn.


I need to pay attention. If I was paying attention this particular CRASH would have, could have been avoided. I'm lying in bed and the sun is making me relive this beyond horrific moment (I exaggerate it wasn't beyond horrific…it was just horrific).


E: So why haven't I seen you?


M: I don't want to be seen I guess.


E: You are such a smart ass.


M: Really?


Lots of awkward silence and fidgeting on both our parts.


E: I've been reading your blog.


M: Ok…Why?


E: It's there.


M: You don't have to read it.


E: You have been getting involved in a few situations I wouldn't expect you to be involved in...


He wants a very specific response here but I don't give it to him.


E: I suppose you'll blog this conversation.


M: No. I don't think so. I haven't written about you to date so, why start now?


E: Not worthy of your little blog? Maybe if I text you.


M: You see that right there is why I haven't been seen.


E: What?


M: You are ridiculous and I think you know that.


More awkward silence.



E: You can't have a conversation with me can you?


M: How? You can't. I wish. Uh...I don't want to have a conversation.


E: Walk away.


Is this a dare? I think he was daring me.


M: See…(I mumble what follows, believing in my soul that I'm not really saying it out loud)I don't want to do that either.


E: You want me to walk away?


This is another sort of dare...I don't believe him...


M: I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.


So we stood there like two idiots in a really bad movie. The sun was all in my face and I was too proud to put on my sunglasses. That would have been admitting some kind of defeat. To put on my sun glasses would have meant turning away first. To put on my sunglasses would have meant I was actively hiding right in front of him. Under normal circumstances to put on my sunglasses would have meant the sun was bothering me but in that moment it meant that I was letting him win. Win what? I have no idea. My competitive nature is disgusting.


So we stood there. I was as still and as neutral as I could be. Surprisingly he was too. So, we just stood there.


Many statements could have been made. I guess they were made, silently. They should have been said. But no, I stood there accepting the fact that on that particular day my life was a bad movie. More like a bad play since the action was live.


He stood there, allowing me to stand there and make and ass of myself. He was winning and he knew it. 


After all he caught me off guard; all my customary defenses weren't up. All my smart ass comments weren't cued, ready to be spat out…goodness this was awful. This idiot was affecting me and to top it all off we were still standing there…how the hell would I get out of this? I definitely wasn't going to be the first to speak again. I did mumble the statement that began this measure of stupidity…in case you forgot- "See…(I mumble what follows, believing in my soul that I'm not really saying it out loud)I don't want to do that either."  


So I wasn't going to open my mouth again unless it was in response to something.


Then he opens his mouth…


E: Are you still Obama crazy?


HA! I won. I told you my competitive nature is disgusting(I'm working on it). All the subtext that was in that question didn't matter. All that should have been said didn't matter, I was just happy I didn't speak first. I was happy that my facade forced him to ask a question that had nothing to do with anything…I caught him off guard with my silence…I was able to muster a fake chuckle and he knowingly looked at me and acknowledged my falseness…


E: Call me. Will you?


M: I'm not sure that's a good idea.


He leaned down and gave me a hug and lingered like people do in bad, predictable movies…and then he let go, he squeezed my hand and walked away. And just like a bad movie I silently screamed so many things after him, I even jumped on his back…after I stood rooted to the same spot playing out all the things I could have/should have said and done in my head I walked into the McDonalds, ordered large fries, a bottle of water, then put on my sunglasses as I sat myself in a dirty corner and stuffed my face with the greasy, gross, good fries…it was night, it was so dark when I finally took off my sunglasses.


It's summer. I hope this isn't what I recall every time the sun shines in my room like this…I really don't want to pull down the shades...