To Keep From Wondering

As I turn the pages of this Home Design issue I keep thinking, dreaming of my candy apple red rocking chair. It's beautiful. So are all the wooden, rusty, wonderful things that surround it. The metal. A throw. The brick. All different- warm, cozy, and crisp. Stark but vivid. Naturally I contradict myself. I place the chair in the rooms on the pages and it fits. This chair can be placed anywhere. It's magical, IT'S CANDY APPLE RED, and at the moment it's my calming thought.


I'm all over the place but I'm in my space.


In my head I'm constantly decorating my hole, my hovel, my cave, my fabulous palace. It's never quite right. I have to switch one thing in that room and place another in this area and will I really have a lime green room just for chit chat? Yes, but that means I have to have an all white room for balance but not really white, something like white. I imagine taking over two years to have only the basics in place. I imagine the ongoing fun of getting it nowhere near right.


This activity occupies time and it calms me. It's the run-on sentence in my head…one of them. This is one I enjoy.
I think about hammering, knocking walls down and tiling or watching it all be done and I get excited. Think Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in Ghosts but it's just me. Mmmm...maybe not. Instead think MinDog completing her recent kitchen renovation-that's more accurate.
All my fantasy decorating and renovating gives me a break from wondering about the following things:

Is daily affirmation all it's said to be?


Is my current daily affirmation (I THINK ALL THE THINGS I AM ARE EXTRAORDINARY) a bit much?


I'm getting older; this means my mother is getting older…


The danger of jealousy...


My evolving sense of humor...


When did I begin to enjoy grocery shopping so much?


When did I begin to enjoy cooking so much?


Wanting to dream about something new and not knowing what that new something is…


Dreams are supposed to grow and change and get bigger and include more…I think…


I start so many things…


I have so many ideas…


I wonder where I will be in five years. I know where I want to be. Will I be there then?


I want to run away to some foreign land, not for too long and only after I accomplish the ever growing laundry list of things I've decided I have to accomplish. Sometimes I think by the time I accomplish them I won't be able to walk anymore let alone run…


What are you waiting for?


I remind myself to live in the moment. I hate that phrase. Live in the moment. It's annoying. Unfortunately and fortunately as a person, an actor, I hear and think it way too often…


Why cyclical? Everything is so cyclical…GEEZ…


Why did I pick up the vegan ice cream? I wish I would have purchased the real deal!


Uggh…

The list goes on of course but I stop there and think of my candy apple red rocking chair. It's huge, its made of wood and I have no idea which room I'll put it in.
Step 1: ACQUIRE THE SPACE…

BUSY!